21 Month Update

Hello again!

Now is a great time for an update after a busy February.  First up, Andy and I had an amazing trip out to Hawaii.  Similar to how we took one last big vacation before adopting Dominic, our week Hawaii was a great time to get away, recharge, and enjoy a rare opportunity.  Someday, we hope to take Dominic and a future sibling there for a vacation that all of us will enjoy.




Going to Hawaii was also a way to take our minds off of our longer than expected adoption wait.  Of course, we even got another screening email towards the end of our trip marking #18.  Overall, there was a significant amount of activity for OA&FS in February which resulted in 9(!) separate placements.  For an agency that has typically averaged 41 placements a year, this is a huge spike for a short time period and coincides with our jump in recent screening emails.

As we are up to 21 months in the pool, now is a good time for a fresh round of statistics on our waiting pool/wait:




As a final update, we took Dominic on a trip today.  We got to visit his birth dad Jason, play at the local children's museum, and then enjoy lunch afterwards.  It was great to connect again, and we'll be looking forward to a future visit his birth family!

The Near Miss

Whether you're actively waiting in a pool to be picked for an adoption or you know people that are, that means that you have likely found yourself at one point asking/answering the question "Have you heard anything new?"

After being in the waiting pool for over 17 months, our highlights of that period have been limited to responding to the occasional screening email, updating our materials, and getting a new counselor.  Effectively, we didn't have any updates that got us any closer to an adoption than we were on Day 1 in the waiting pool.  On Monday, we had a case where that changed, albeit briefly.  That day, we got a high priority phone call for a screening.  In this case, it was for a last minute placement which meant we had to call back with our answer in less than 2 hours.

Just like all other screenings, saying yes to the situation only meant that our profile would be presented.  However, the unique situation with receiving a phone call from a counselor about a case where a baby girl had already been born was much more real (in comparison to the typical screening email).  Andy and I talked through the situation and said "yes" to being presented.

When I called the counselor back to say "yes," I also learned that a relatively small number of families were being contacted.  Being the engineer I am, the situation made it even more of a realistic possibility that we could be selected within hours out of a small group of adoptive families.

After months of waiting, it was tough not to daydream about the possibility of being chosen.  I found myself filling out a FMLA form for work, looking forward to spending time with a newly expanded family, and trying to pick out favorite baby girl names off our list despite telling myself that the odds of being chosen were still well under a 50-50 chance.  The sheer change in perspective from waiting indefinitely to possibly being chosen in mere hours or minutes was transformative.  Unfortunately, it was only temporary.

By the end of Monday, Andy and I had not gotten "the call."  We assumed that we were not chosen.  Tuesday morning, the counselor that had originally contacted us was very kind to follow up by email.  This sort of follow up rarely happens for screenings, and it was helpful for us to have some level of closure to know that another family was chosen.

Moving forward again, this doesn't really change anything.  We are still one adoptive family among many others waiting to be chosen to parent a child.  However, for a short time, we were able to experience clear optimism, excitement, and hope.  These sorts of feelings remind us just how much we've invested into having a second child and how much we still hope for that to someday happen.

Day 436 - Life in the Pool

Today marks the 436th day in the waiting pool for us.  Since our last post in July about updating some of our adoption materials, there have been some general items in life that have kept us busy as well as some things that have kept our waiting status at the forefront.

OA&FS Contract

In mid-July, we got a notice that we needed to update our contract with the agency.  It was a necessity and a reminder that the paperwork never ends.

Speaking of Paperwork...

On July 7th, we got a notice that we needed to fill out new DSHS forms, have new fingerprints taken for FBI background checks, and also get our doctor checks renewed.  While the forms were easy, getting new fingerprints done and doctor checks renewed required setting up specific meetings for each of us.  If we don't get picked soon, it's going to start feeling like we're filling out an endless stream of TPS reports!

Screening Emails

I last gave a rundown of these on our One-Year Pool-versary post.  At that time, we had received 8 screening emails.  Since then, we have received 2 additional screening emails.  While we can't share details, I can say that one came in on a workday near 3:30pm and an answer was needed by 5:00pm!  The other screening email luckily wasn't quite as urgent.  In the end, we opted to have our profile presented to one out of the two.  I'll admit that I did get my hopes up on the one we said yes to as I'm getting more and more anxious as time goes on.

Work

In mid-July, I got thrust into a new role at work that has me doing far more management and coordination tasks on a high profile project rather than being in a position to do the design work.  It's been rather hectic representing an entire design team on a design-build project for a local light rail job, but I am managing to learn a fair amount.  Even with the opportunity to develop and learn, I'll be happy when the construction on this project begins to ramp down and I can take on a role with reduced responsibility and stress.

Vacation

On the plus side, we did get in a brief family vacation to start out this month.  For the first time since Dominic was a couple of months old, we took a real road trip!  

It was exciting to get beyond our local area and go down to the Oregon coast to see someplace new.  Dominic loved playing with seagulls on the beach and visiting a number of state parks on the drives.  

He also got a memorable experience from a t-rex at a store in Lincoln City which both enthralled him and scared the crap out of him.  It was one that was setup with a motion sensor and would roar and move its head up and down anytime someone entered or left the store.  Just getting this photo took a lot of convincing!

We also stopped at the Tillamook Factory and had some fantastic cheese!  Dominic tried several cheeses, had his own grilled cheese sandwich, and we picked up a nice mug with a cow on it to bring home.  

I'll admit it was a nice bonus that I got to stuff my own face with cheese too  :)

OA&FS Picnic

Earlier today, we went to our agency's yearly picnic.  It was a nice event to bring together families and local OA&FS staff.  There was also a face painter and about 10-15 bunnies to pet and cuddle with which Dominic really enjoyed.  While I didn't get nearly as much time as I would have liked to chat with the other families, it was still a good experience to see so many people together.

Screenings, Screenings, and More Screenings!

Brian wrote a bit last week about getting our first screening call, and some of the thought that went into it. Well, since then we've got two more screenings; for those keeping count, that's 3 screenings in just the first 2 weeks of being in the waiting pool!

That's a lot more screening than I expected, to be honest! To put it in perspective, we only are contacted with a screening call or e-mail in cases where the placement is "difficult" for some reason. In the one Brian wrote about last week, for example, the birthmother and the baby both tested positive for narcotics. For all other situations where there aren't any factors needing special attention, our profile will get shown to the birth family without our explicit knowledge.

If I'm remembering the statistics correctly, less than half of birthmothers at OA&FS use drugs or alcohol during their pregnancy. And "moderate" or "mild" usage generally doesn't trigger a screening call; most of the time only "severe" usage does. Which means I expected only a small percentage of the birth family situations would warrant a screening call to us before our profile is shown to the birthfamily.

But 3 screenings in just 2 weeks? Either there are a *ton* of expectant mothers out there contacting our agency, or it's just been a really busy couple weeks! I guess time will tell...

Update 1, 4:32pm: And a fourth one just rolled in!

Update 2, 4:41pm: It also occurs to me that only roughly 1 out of 5 expectant mothers who work with OA&FS end up going through with an adoption plan. I'm guessing that ratio gets higher if you only look at women who go as far as getting profiles of waiting families, but it's definitely worth considering that some of these cases we're being screened for will end up with the birth family deciding to parent a child themselves.

Last Minute Placement Opportunity

Today, Andy and I received an email at 2:15pm.  We were both having fairly busy and hectic days at work, but this completely reset our priorities.  Each of our inboxes had an email from our agency.  There was a newborn baby boy and the agency was preparing for a last minute placement.  Suddenly, preparing for a project interview with the City of Kirkland or coordinating software code changes weren't all that important.  Both of us read that email and realized that we were staring at our first screening experience.

After being in the waiting pool for 7 days, it was a reality check to realize that we could actually be chosen at any time.  Of course, we've known that and expected it, but we have also conditioned ourselves to be ready to wait two years for a placement.  Two years is a far cry from 7 days.  Not only that, our agency needed us to reply by 6:00pm.

Replying with "yes" to the agency probably wouldn't mean that we'd be coming home with a baby in the next few days.  This was a "screening" call (or e-mail), not the "you've been picked" call.  If we had said yes, then the agency would have included our profile along with other potential families that the birthmother would review, and then it would be possible that she'd pick us from among that list.

Screening calls are only done when the birth situation is riskier.  (For instance, if there's high pre-natal exposure to drugs or alcohol.)  When no such factors exist, our profile is generally shown to the birthmother without our knowledge.  Additionally, even if we do get a screening call and choose to show our profile to a birthmother, we won't hear anything else from the agency about that particular case unless we get chosen.

In the end, we decided that there were a lot of factors with this case that were outside of our comfort zone.  From the limited info in the email, we knew that the baby boy weighed just over 5 lbs and tested positive for heroin and marijuana.  His birthmom also tested positive for meth.  If you've read our screening tool posts, you know that we're ok with some exposure to each of these.  What put this case outside of our comfort zone were our concerns with unknown quantities and duration of drug exposure during the pregnancy.

By nature, a last minute placement means that everything in the process is accelerated as a baby cannot sit in the hospital for days after being born.  While Andy and I would prefer to have a placement that is not last minute, we are definitely still open to one.  For us, it is important that we feel we have a chance to build a relationship with the birthfamily and have a healthy baby that has exposure levels we are comfortable with.  While our first screening email came much earlier than expected, it was great to see and we really hope that there will be a wonderful adoptive family that welcomes this little guy into their home this weekend!