21 Month Update

Hello again!

Now is a great time for an update after a busy February.  First up, Andy and I had an amazing trip out to Hawaii.  Similar to how we took one last big vacation before adopting Dominic, our week Hawaii was a great time to get away, recharge, and enjoy a rare opportunity.  Someday, we hope to take Dominic and a future sibling there for a vacation that all of us will enjoy.




Going to Hawaii was also a way to take our minds off of our longer than expected adoption wait.  Of course, we even got another screening email towards the end of our trip marking #18.  Overall, there was a significant amount of activity for OA&FS in February which resulted in 9(!) separate placements.  For an agency that has typically averaged 41 placements a year, this is a huge spike for a short time period and coincides with our jump in recent screening emails.

As we are up to 21 months in the pool, now is a good time for a fresh round of statistics on our waiting pool/wait:




As a final update, we took Dominic on a trip today.  We got to visit his birth dad Jason, play at the local children's museum, and then enjoy lunch afterwards.  It was great to connect again, and we'll be looking forward to a future visit his birth family!

18 months? Time to put hats on cats.

Today marks 18 months in the pool.  It also marks the day when we're finally getting around to making our yearly holiday cards.  While we're a bit behind, that didn't mean I didn't have fun doing it.  I drug out an old "elf" outfit from when Dominic was a newborn and tried to work out some photo magic with our cats, Alex and Sybil.

 

          

In addition to feeling time pass by as we hit the 18 month mark in the waiting pool, time also seems to be passing by on the work front too. After several years (six!) of being in leadership positions with my company's young professionals group, I have now stepped back to let others take the reins.  Moving to an advisor (past president) position definitely has me feeling that my life is transitioning into a new phase.  There were a ton of things I will continue to be proud of from my work with the YPG the past few years, but now I'm starting to consider what is next on the horizon.  In a way, it's an odd place to be as I'm beginning to shift away from the "young" part of my career while I have always envisioned myself as having kids during that "young" stage of life.

Quite some time ago, I had it set in my mind that an age difference of 2 years was ideal between Dominic and a little brother or sister.  As I'm feeling less young and Dominic will now be at least 3 years older than a sibling, managing the wait is getting to be a bit tougher.



Looking back on the past 18 months, now is a good time for a brief set of updates in relation to our experience with round two of our adoption process:

Pool Entry - June 5, 2015
Current Wait - 18 months
Average Wait (Per OA&FS Annual Report) - 15 months

Total Families in the Waiting Pool - 83
Families Waiting Over 18 Months - 32 (39%)
Families Waiting Less than 18 Months - 50 (60%)

Families Entering the Pool After June 5, 2015 - 77
Families Chosen Between June 5, 2015 and Today - 27

Screening Emails Since June 5, 2015 - 12

In general, there won't continue to be any major updates to share for a few months unless if we chosen by a birth family.  However, we will have to renew our homestudy and many other items in less than 6 months (late Spring 2016).  If time continues to tick by, we will share a post on what that means. (Hint: It's more money, more time, and more paperwork.)

In the meantime, Happy Holidays!  I hope you all find some time to enjoy some fun distractions while keeping in the holiday spirit...like dressing up your pets in ridiculous outfits.

Day 436 - Life in the Pool

Today marks the 436th day in the waiting pool for us.  Since our last post in July about updating some of our adoption materials, there have been some general items in life that have kept us busy as well as some things that have kept our waiting status at the forefront.

OA&FS Contract

In mid-July, we got a notice that we needed to update our contract with the agency.  It was a necessity and a reminder that the paperwork never ends.

Speaking of Paperwork...

On July 7th, we got a notice that we needed to fill out new DSHS forms, have new fingerprints taken for FBI background checks, and also get our doctor checks renewed.  While the forms were easy, getting new fingerprints done and doctor checks renewed required setting up specific meetings for each of us.  If we don't get picked soon, it's going to start feeling like we're filling out an endless stream of TPS reports!

Screening Emails

I last gave a rundown of these on our One-Year Pool-versary post.  At that time, we had received 8 screening emails.  Since then, we have received 2 additional screening emails.  While we can't share details, I can say that one came in on a workday near 3:30pm and an answer was needed by 5:00pm!  The other screening email luckily wasn't quite as urgent.  In the end, we opted to have our profile presented to one out of the two.  I'll admit that I did get my hopes up on the one we said yes to as I'm getting more and more anxious as time goes on.

Work

In mid-July, I got thrust into a new role at work that has me doing far more management and coordination tasks on a high profile project rather than being in a position to do the design work.  It's been rather hectic representing an entire design team on a design-build project for a local light rail job, but I am managing to learn a fair amount.  Even with the opportunity to develop and learn, I'll be happy when the construction on this project begins to ramp down and I can take on a role with reduced responsibility and stress.

Vacation

On the plus side, we did get in a brief family vacation to start out this month.  For the first time since Dominic was a couple of months old, we took a real road trip!  

It was exciting to get beyond our local area and go down to the Oregon coast to see someplace new.  Dominic loved playing with seagulls on the beach and visiting a number of state parks on the drives.  

He also got a memorable experience from a t-rex at a store in Lincoln City which both enthralled him and scared the crap out of him.  It was one that was setup with a motion sensor and would roar and move its head up and down anytime someone entered or left the store.  Just getting this photo took a lot of convincing!

We also stopped at the Tillamook Factory and had some fantastic cheese!  Dominic tried several cheeses, had his own grilled cheese sandwich, and we picked up a nice mug with a cow on it to bring home.  

I'll admit it was a nice bonus that I got to stuff my own face with cheese too  :)

OA&FS Picnic

Earlier today, we went to our agency's yearly picnic.  It was a nice event to bring together families and local OA&FS staff.  There was also a face painter and about 10-15 bunnies to pet and cuddle with which Dominic really enjoyed.  While I didn't get nearly as much time as I would have liked to chat with the other families, it was still a good experience to see so many people together.

Day 387 - A New Milestone, Culture Shifts and Celebration

This weekend marks many good things for us.  First, the major news on the Supreme Court ruling is one that we cannot simply pass by.  While those of us in the State of Washington have been able to marry for many years now (since Dominic was a mere 3 weeks old), the hard work and sacrifices of many dedicated people have brought equality to the US.  Not too long ago, it would have been unthinkable for Andy and I to be adopting children and expanding our family.  Today, families like ours are rapidly becoming...normal.  Even though that makes life a little less exciting, it's a great step forward.

This ruling also coincides well with Pride weekend here in Seattle.  While we didn't spray paint Dominic's short-lived mohawk into a rainbow (we're terrible parents!), it is great to realize that Dominic will be growing up in a world where Pride will an occasion of celebration and fun rather than a struggle for basic human rights and recognition.



Now, on to the lighter stuff as this is a blog all about our adoption!  Today marks Day 387 in the waiting pool.  It also marks the day where we've submitted updates for all of our outward facing adoption materials!

Sneak Preview - Pg 1 of our New Family Book

Back in April, we began the semi-herculean effort to update our family book, letter, and online photos from scratch.  Technically, we could just throw some things together and call it good.  However, I'm an OCD engineer and I nit pick on every single detail, sentence, layout, and photo.

As part of our process, we've had one photo shoot with our amazing friendtographer Amy, dug through literally thousands of other photos from the past few years, and then written and rewritten content over countless evenings, nights, bus rides, plane flights, and random musings in the shower.  (You know those times when you shake yourself out of your thoughts and realize you've been standing there in the shower doing nothing for 15 minutes?)  Suffice it to say, this is a big milestone and I'm thrilled to be at this point.

Pretty soon, we'll have a new update to post once OA&FS makes the content update to the website official.  Not quite the same as an announcement of being chosen, but it's still a pretty cool accomplishment given that I'm really digging our new formatting!

Managing "The Wait" - 1 Year

As of today, we have been waiting in the pool for a full year (our waiting pool-versary?).  In essence, we've spent a lot of time with Ginger.

Ginger, our "waiting" pool giraffe

Given that it's been such a long time (for us), Andy and I have adapted to manage the wait differently.  I think we have both been busy with Dominic, with work, family, friends, and various projects.  On top of all of that, it's hard to dwell too much on the wait for a 2nd child.

For me personally, I've been starting to get more and more anxious as we've neared this milestone.  Dominic is now over 2 1/2 years old and we have started the process of updating all of our adoption materials because life changes quite a bit in a year.  Also, if we are still waiting at this time next year, we will likely be updating all of our adoption materials again and redo-ing our homestudy.

Looking back at our post reviewing everyone's predictions on gender and when we would get picked, I think it's been proven that we have a lot of optimistic family and friends.  Out of 10 guesses, only 3 estimate the wait at longer than 1 year.  At present, my prediction of 13 months is currently on deck and will quickly be followed by Angie and Andy's guesses.  Everyone else....stay away from Vegas  :)

From talking to our new counselor (Alissa), the average wait may have shifted down closer to 16 months, but there are still a large number of families waiting to be chosen.  As of today, we are one of 90 families in the pool.

Speaking of the pool, the OA&FS website lists families in the order they joined the waiting pool with the families waiting the longest showing up first.  When we joined the pool a year ago today, we were the last family on the list.  Today, we are 51st on the list out of the 90 families.  As of today, 50 families have been waiting longer than 12 months and another 39 families have been waiting less 12 months.  (There have also likely been several families that joined the pool after us and have already been selected which would influence these final numbers.)

While we haven't been picked yet, we have had a recent uptick in screening emails which has kept things interesting.  After 2 early screening emails last summer, we didn't have another until January.  In total since we joined the pool, we have now had 8 screening emails.


Looking ahead, what's next for us?  Well, we still need to finalize our family book updates to reflect fresh pictures of Dominic, ourselves, and a slightly revamped presentation of our book.  I'm definitely more inclined to tinker than Andy is (sorry Andy!), but this is definitely one way I'm managing the wait and feeling like I'm still managing some level of control in the process.

Thanks to everyone that has been so supportive over the last 12 months.  As we move forward, we'll have our fingers crossed that someday soon we'll have good news to share with all of you!

Welcome 2014!

Happy New Year to everyone! With all of the reminiscing that's been going on the past few days, I thought it seemed an appropriate time to fire up the ol' blogging machine and send out a quick update.

January 1, 2013
Dominic's ready to root for Big Red!

It's amazing how much changes in a year. One year ago, Dominic was 7 weeks old, we were new parents, and our entire lives seemed majorly in flux. I wouldn't say that we were in over our heads (not completely, anyway), but there was definitely a steep learning curve. Lucky for all of us, I think we made it through all right!

Fast forward a year, and Dominic's an entirely new person: he's walking, talking, and eating real food like a pro. Where he once seemed helpless, he's now asserting his independence and learning new things every day. I'm so thankful that he's a part of our lives now, and I can't imagine things any differently.

So... on that note, it seems an appropriate time to mention that we're about to make things extremely different! Today we mailed in our application forms to OA&FS, officially starting the adoption process again. Sometime within the next few years, Dominic will have a little brother or sister!

January 1, 2014
Going for a run in the park

I'm not entirely convinced of our sanity right now. As much as Dominic's grown, he's still just over a year old and we've been extremely busy just keeping up with him! But I think we're ready, considering the timeline. The paperwork took us approximately 6 months last time, and I think it'll take around the same amount of time now - we've already done it once and can use that as a base, but we also have to do it while caring for Dominic! Once that's finished, the average time waiting in the pool of prospective adoptive parents is around 18 months. We got picked quickly last time, but there's no telling how long or short it'll be this time. All in all, the back-of-the-envelope calculation says we're likely to adopt again when Dominic is 2 or 3 years old, which seems just about right to us.

No matter what, though, we'll make it work. If we get picked right away (like our friends who got picked 5 hours after finishing their homestudy!), it'll be a bit of a stretch but I'm sure we'll handle it. And if it takes much longer than expected, well then we'll have more time to prepare and make sure Dominic's ready too. Either way, it's an exciting way to start 2014, and we're looking forward to chronicling the process again!

New House!

It's weird to realize it, but tomorrow marks the one-month anniversary of our family living in our new home.  The entire month of May went by really fast.  As we moved out of our old condo into the new house, we were unpacking boxes, painting, coordinating the remodel of our condo...oh, and taking care of Dominic!

This time has been very exciting for us as a lot of this move has been with him in mind.  We've gone from a condo that had no neighborhood or parks to speak of, to a house on a quiet cul-de-sac.  Our neighbors have kids.  We can walk to a great park with baseball fields, beach volleyball courts, a giant playground, green space, and a beach!  There's also a fantastic commercial area with loads of restaurants, coffee shops, and local stores.  Given the presence of two frozen yogurt shops, I foresee lots of "walks" in our future.

Wall removal

Speaking of the future, we've made a lot of progress with the house.  In the 3 weeks before the housewarming party, we had a fair amount of work done.  After having a structural wall removed, we got to work painting our den, remaining arch wall, living room, and kitchen.  It was exciting to share our progress as well as our brand new digs with so many of our friends and family in the area.

Painting the den

We still have a long ways to go to paint the rest of the house and fill it out with furniture and other essentials, but we're starting to settle into a more casual style of updating the house.

Part of the slowdown is due to our general sanity, but the other part is due to selling off our old condo.  It's about to go on the market later this week, and we certainly have our fingers crossed that we'll be able to sell it for a decent price.  Once we're free from that major financial anchor, it will give us a lot more freedom to invest in the house as well as look to the future.

Today's newly installed countertop at the condo!

We've mentioned in the past that we're a ways out from beginning the adoption process again.  The earliest we could start things up again is in November.  Being able to complete our move and sell off the condo will help erase a lot of our economical question marks before we establish enough savings and begin Round 2 of the months/years-long process.

As we have a brand new house with a bedroom just waiting for Dominic's future brother or sister, I know that I'm really looking forward to the days, weeks, months, and years to come in our new home!  I know that Dominic is already enjoying the new digs as he's had plenty of parties with his wild stuffed animal friends  :)

Changing of the Guard

We're now into my favorite winter month: February!  (because it's the shortest)

Back in October and November, Andy and I put together a schedule for parental leave.  While there's plenty of websites, research, and articles out there that can support each side of the 'stay at home vs day care debate', we knew that the day care would begin someday for Dominic.  We just wanted to stay at home as long as we could before day care started up.  Some day cares accept babies as young as six months!  For us, we opted to stretch out finances and savings to keep Dominic at home until he was at least 3 months old.

Now that it's February, Andy's paternity leave at work is coming to an end.  He goes back to work on Monday for the first time since Dominic was born.  For Dominic, I think it has been great for him to have the stability of Andy being at home for such a long time.  Andy's great parenting has given Dominic lots of attention, taken him out for various excursions during the weekdays, and also resulted in plenty of great parenting experiences.

With Andy going back to work tomorrow, we're doing our final changing of the guard.  I staggered my paternity leave to include the first two weeks of February, so I'm officially back on paternity leave.  I'm really looking forward to spending time with Dominic at home.  Also, my parents will be in town from Wednesday night through next Tuesday which will make the time even more fun.  Between my parent's visit, Dominic's 3-month birthday, a trip to Tacoma to see Carly, and a lot more, these next two weeks are sure to go by really fast.  Before we know it, we'll have another changing of the guard and Dominic will be transitioning into day care.

Dominic's First Thanksgiving

Yesterday was Dominic's first Thanksgiving!

Poppa Mark and Poppa Rich invited us to their place for a wonderful Thanksgiving meal, turkey and all. And Poppa Mark definitely got in a good fill of time with the little guy!

After dinner, Dominic anxiously awaited the arrival of Grammy Mary from Nebraska!

And finally, the long-awaited meeting:

Happy Thanksgiving!

No One Said It'd Be Easy...

It's been almost two weeks since I've posted anything here, and what a crazy, wonderful, emotional, and joyous couple of weeks it's been. I've been wanting to post earlier in the week, but there just hasn't been time. And now, I finally have a few minutes to sit down and sort out my thoughts.

Being at the hospital already seems like a distant dream, even though we only brought Dominic home three days ago. The time we spent there was exhausting, both emotionally and physically. From the moment we left our home Monday morning through our return Wednesday afternoon, there wasn't any real downtime. (As I write this, it's astounding to realize that period was only two days - it certainly felt a lot longer!)

As we've mentioned before, the original hospital plan was that Carly would spend a few hours with the baby following the birth, and then she wanted to completely hand over his care to us. We were totally on board with that, and we were also ready to accept any changes in the plan that she might decide she wanted. Well, as it turned out, Carly wanted Dominic to spend the night in the room with her. Though it meant we wouldn't be able to spend as much time with him right away, Brian and I were completely fine with that decision, and in fact we had somewhat anticipated it. It was a little easier to be patient when we knew that in a short amount of time he'd be coming home with us, and we'd be parenting him for the rest of his life.

Dominic in his hospital bassinet

Even while Dominic was with Carly, though, we were still around. We spent a lot of the visit with both of them and some of Carly's friends in her room, with everyone taking turns holding, feeding, and changing Dominic. On the one hand, it was a wonderful way to welcome him into the world: so many people there to celebrate his arrival, for which I'm incredibly thankful. On the other hand, it was very difficult for Brian and I since we couldn't really relax the entire time. Don't get me wrong; we really like Carly and I think that we all get along very well. It was just that this was her space, and we were spending almost all our waking time there, so we had to be constantly "on". It was for that reason that I was so excited for our trip home with Dominic - we'd finally be able to spend time with him on our own schedule, in our own space.

And that's also why it hit me so hard on Tuesday when Carly decided she wanted Dominic to spend another day in the hospital with her. Carly had a C-section, and so she had to spend 2 full days in the hospital afterwards. Dominic, being a healthy baby, was ready for discharge after just 1 day, and the original plan in that case was that he'd leave after 1 day. Even at the time, I knew that it was a good thing for Carly to do whatever it was she needed to bond with and welcome Dominic, as well as process her grief; and in hindsight, I'm glad that she decided upon having that second day. But at the time, I was just about at my own breaking point, since I'd been so looking forward to us leaving for home, and that was going to be postponed for another night. I had anticipated a lot of changes to the hospital/birth plan and was mentally prepared for most of them, but somehow it never crossed my mind that another day in the hospital was a distinct possibility until it actually occurred. And in the end, it was a very good thing, but just was difficult to process as it was happening.

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That second night "in the hospital" actually turned out not to be - the courtesy room that the hospital staff gave us on the first night was needed for actual patients, so we had to head out to a hotel for the evening. That was both a blessing and a curse - neither of us wanted to spend the night away from Dominic, but it also forced us to give Carly some time and space on her own with him. That, and it afforded us one full night of sleep outside of the hospital before we would bring the little guy home (and probably not sleep again for a few years!).

Having a hotel sleep on Tuesday night was probably one of the best things that could have happened, since we really needed it on Wednesday. The morning started quietly enough - we got to Carly's room relatively early, and we spent the morning chatting with her, holding Dominic, watching TV, and generally having a relaxed time. But I think we all knew that in just a few hours, Carly would be entrusting him to us in a very permanent way, and that knowledge added more than a bit of tension to the environment. After a little while, Courtney (the counselor from OA&FS) arrived, and she really started the entire process moving for the day. Carly was able to take as much or as little time as she wanted; but there was no more ignoring what was about to happen.

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Most of the discharge process went by in an uneventful way - Carly was given her last vitals check, Dominic had all of his stuff packed up, and eventually the checklist was completed. Then it was really time for Carly to say goodbye, in whatever way she needed. Courtney took us downstairs to sign some paperwork, although I think the true purpose was to give Carly the time she needed with Dominic on their own. And then, when Carly let us know she was ready, the time we were waiting for was finally there.

When we got back to Carly's hospital room, she said she was ready for us to take Dominic home. She herself was walking around the room gathering her things - I could tell she was trying to distract herself. We had a small gift to give her: a photo album with a number of pictures of all of us, from Dominic's first few days of life. When we pulled that out, Carly began to cry - and that was when it truly hit me how difficult this was going to be. Nothing I've ever experienced can compare for me to the next few minutes.

Carly is not a person who likes to appear vulnerable, and I know that she would have liked to hold back her tears. But the grief and pain on her face was palpable, and I still can't get it out of my head. As happy as I was to be bringing Dominic home, I knew that at the same time she was parting with him. And I know that she made this decision willingly, and in trying to keep Dominic's best interests at heart, but that didn't make any of the pain easier to handle. Once Carly said it was time for Dominic to leave with us, we tried to accommodate her wishes and not draw out the goodbye; unfortunately, we had trouble actually strapping him into his carseat before we left the room. Hearing Carly quietly crying did not help the process, and it almost sent me over the edge myself. But I knew that we wanted to show a strong front for her, and I was able to pull myself together until we made it into the hallway.

By the time we got to the elevator, however, I was sobbing. I know that this should have been one of the happiest moments of my life, but all I could feel was a profound sadness. I still can't fathom what it would be like to experience that pain we saw on Carly's face; and I couldn't stop from feeling that we were causing it for her. Even thinking about it now is causing me to tear up a little, since the emotions are still so raw. I know that the parting in the hospital was not a permanent goodbye by any means, and I look forward to many happy gatherings with Carly and all the people who love Dominic; but I also know that what had just happened was a fundamental transition in Dominic's life, and I couldn't help but feel some of the loss.

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Courtney accompanied Brian and I to our car, where she gave us each a hug and sent us on our way. I haven't written a lot about her role here, but I can't imagine how we would have gotten through this entire process without her. Obviously she's a professional and this is her job, but she was a wonderful guide for the entire process, and without her I don't know what we would have done.

With Courtney, in the hospital lobby

In the car, we just sat there for a few minutes. My tears of sadness gradually became tears of joy, as I realized that we were finally bringing Dominic home. Carly's grief, and our grief, is deep and profound; and while some of it may fade with time, I know it will always be there. But this goodbye was also an opening into the rest of Dominic's life, and he will always be surrounded by so many people who love him immensely. For that, I'm indescribably thankful.

Dominic sleeping on the ride home

As I've reflected on this past week, it's struck me just how important this experience has been. Yes, there were some bumps in the road, and yes, it was a difficult and emotional few days; but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I'm so glad we chose to pursue an open adoption, raw and painful as it's been. We saw firsthand how much Carly loves this little boy, and I hope she could see how much we love him too. No matter what else changes in his life, he will never be short on love.

Dominic, our son, is home. And that makes everything worth it.

Home & Open Adoption

Just a brief update here to cover the past couple of days since our last post.  We've been home with Dominic for about 8 hours now.  After an evening full of Skype calls and visitors, I'm looking forward to our first night with Dominic.  Whether we sleep or not, I really appreciate that he will be here with us.  The past two days have been eventful, joyous, and traumatic.

After spending an extra day around the hospital in Tacoma, I think we've become even stronger proponents of open adoption.  As a group with myself, Andy, Carly, and Dominic, we were lucky to spend so much time together during Dominic's first two days.  There were so many firsts that we were all there to experience.  Whether it was his first diaper change or his first bath when he opened his beautiful eyes, I know that it was important for all of us to be together.  With an open adoption, all of us are now family for each other.

Andy and I really care for Carly because she is truly a wonderful person.  After Carly chose us to be the adoptive parents for her baby, we have gotten to know more about each other than some of our closest friends may know each of us.  Of course, that also made today extremely difficult.  We knew it would be tough for Carly when it came time to entrust little Jackson William (now Dominic Jackson) into our care.  However, just sitting here writing this is extremely difficult for me as I vividly remember how emotional that actually was.  I can honestly say that nothing I've experienced has ever been so heart wrenching in my life.

As I said, I'm an even stronger proponent of open adoption after today.  In closed adoptions, today would never have happened.  The adoptive parents in a closed adoption would never have met the birthmother or been given the chance to see the extent of love for the baby from the friends and family of the birthparents and even from the birthmother herself.  Instead, open adoptions provide the opportunity for everyone to stay involved and for babies like Dominic to receive love and attention from everyone that cares about him.  With open adoption, saying 'goodbye' at the hospital wasn't saying goodbye forever...it was merely saying goodbye for today and knowing that today's goodbye would become tomorrow's 'hello'.

How Time Flies...

I got into work this morning, and found this e-mail: "Sixth Annual Microsoft Adoption Fair is Nov 9".

The timing seems oddly fitting. November 9 (this Friday) will be my last day at work before starting parental leave. And it was almost exactly one year ago that Brian and I really started this journey, with the Microsoft adoption fair last November. That was when we first got information on OA&FS, and when the ball really started rolling.

Of course, at that point, the plan was to try to have a child by 2014. The astute among you will note that we're a couple years early :) But while moving ahead so quickly may have been a surprise, it was definitely not unwelcome!

I may stop by the fair on Friday, since there will probably be some folks from the agency there who we know, and they have a few short seminars on topics that may still be useful for us. But more than that, it seems like a really fitting way to close this chapter in our adoption story and plunge on into the next!

Open Question Thread

We were chatting with our good friend Kyle today, and he brought up a great point: while we've had the chance to write about many adoption-related topics on this blog, he still had a lot of other remaining questions to ask us. (Coincidentally, his first question was actually about naming the child, which we just wrote about earlier today!)

So at Kyle's suggestion, we'll open this one up for questions :) I can't promise that we have all the answers, and given the craziness of the upcoming week we may not be able to respond right away, but we want to invite any and all questions about how this process is going to be working for us. Just leave a note in the comments and we'll do our best!

What's in a (Last) Name?

One subject of much debate for Andy and I has been what do to with our last names.  When we had our wedding, we each decided to keep our individual last names.  However, it really makes sense for us to have a single family last name.  Simple travel as a family could have some challenges with us being two dads let alone any emergencies that could crop up in areas less than accommodating to gay families.  Our thought is that using a single family last name will be best for us in the long run to smooth out any potential roadbumps and also just to make us feel more like a cohesive family.

So when thinking about all of our options, we came up with some general possibilities:

• Andy's last name (Magee)
• My last name (Gardner)
• Hypenating our last names together (Magee-Gardner / Gardner-Magee)
• Merging our names together (Gargee?)
• Choosing an entirely new last name (?)

Looking at the options, we first leaned away from choosing one last name or the other.  It would feel weird to have one of us keep our name and then make the other change it without any real reasoning behind it.  Also, being a gay couple means that we really don't have any good precedents to follow.

Next up, we thought about hypenating our last names.  That got knocked down the list pretty easily as hypenated last names can be cumbersome and pose all sorts of fun questions for when our children get married in the future.  What happens if they marry someone with a hypenated last name?  Boom.  4 last names and 3 hyphens.  That sounds dangerous.  Also, our merged name options were pretty dangerous too.

The last option of picking a 'new' last name seemed a bit weird as well until Andy had a great idea.  He suggested that we check our family trees for a common last name.  I thought that was awesome and over the span of a couple weeks a lot of research ensued on ancestry.com.  In the end, we had 3 last names in common which were "Bennett," "Hill/Hylle," and "Richards."  Once we got to this point though, neither of us were overly excited by any of these.  If we changed our last names to something new, we wanted it to jump out at us and sound awesome.  Just like marrying someone, you're going to have that last name for a long time so we knew we'd better like it a lot!

That made us pause from the ancestry track and circle back to our initial choices, our current last names (Magee or Gardner).  Neither of us had a strong preference and were a bit reluctant to make the other change.  However, our ancestry research did play a final role in our decision.  On my side, my 3rd great grandmother had a last name of McKee which is essentially the same as Andy's last name.   Decision made: Magee it is!

Visiting Cora Ann

What a great weekend! Brian and I got to go to Providence, RI, this weekend to visit my brother Josh and sister-in-law Elise, and to meet their adorable 2-month-old daughter Cora Ann! My younger brother Matt made the trip from Seattle at the same time, so we had a great "brothers' reunion" as well. Thanks Josh and Elise for being such wonderful hosts, even as parents of a newborn!

And without further ado, the pictures :)

Meeting Cora for the first time

Aunt Meghan and Daddy entertain Cora

It was hard to get a good picture of both Elise and Cora at the same time - so here's Cora looking at the camera!

And now we've got Elise too :)

Uncle Brian was a natural with Cora

Crazy Bird is really crazy!

Uncle Matt, Cora, and a gas station. Yes, this happened.

Not quite sure about this whole stroller thing.

Almost caught the smile on camera! Instead, got the "Magee eyebrow raise".

Post-bath monkey towel!

Uncle Brian and Cora

Hiccups are cute!

Talking about Adoption

I'm never one to shy away from a pedantic discussion about semantics, so I really liked the following passage in one of the open adoption books I'm reading:

Adoption is a process. We advocate that the process be kept distinct from the person who is the adoptee. On the simplest level this means preferring "Betsy was adopted" to "Betsy is an adopted child." The first (Betsy was adopted) correctly describes a single and past event in her life. This is no different from a birthmother proud of the experience of giving birth describing to another, "I had my son by cesarean birth." The same birthmother would not refer to that child after the event as "my cesarean son."

By contrast, "Betsy is an adopted child" or even "Betsy is special because she is adopted" conveys an ongoing significance to the state of being adopted. This is potentially dangerous because of the subtle implication that adopted children are somehow different from natural children who do not have labels attached to them. In addition, if Betsy is described as "special" or "chosen," that means someone is less special or valuable as a person. If Betsy is not a "natural child" that makes her "unnatural" or at least not normal. Do these labels all mean that at one point Betsy was not so special because she was not wanted?

Excerpt from Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin, Third Edition, Page 141

This hit home, especially in light of a conversation we just had with my sister-in-law Elise earlier tonight. She expressed the thought that she sometimes was afraid to bring up an adoption-related question or topic because she didn't know the right verbiage for it and was afraid of saying something unintentionally offensive. I can sympathize with that - I feel like we've learned an entirely new vocabulary since we started working with our agency!

I totally get the above quotes from Dear Birthmother, and on the one hand I agree with the sentiment. Our child will be our child, end of story, regardless of how our family is formed. That fact that we will form our family through adoption won't make a difference in how much we love our child, and so describing the fact of the adoption as a discrete event rather than as a characteristic of the child seems right.

On the other hand, the difference between "Betsy was adopted" (as a past tense verb) and "Besty is adopted" (as a present tense verb and adjective) is so slight that I think most people wouldn't even hear the difference. In fact, in the extreme case, the contraction "Betsy's adopted" could really represent either version. Making such a subtle distinction also seems like it's a pretty difficult task, and one we could easily make mistakes on all the time.

Don't you just love semantics?

Alright, that's enough thinking for now - better go off to bed before my head explodes. Next up (hopefully tomorrow) I'll try to post pictures from our visit to Rhode Island with Josh, Elise, and baby Cora!

Summer's Here!

The baby, that is, not the season.

Our good friends Tatiana and Mike welcomed their daughter Summer back in January, and we were finally able to go and visit them this weekend! Summer's now a whole 2 months old, so we waited far too long for a visit. On the upside, she's aware enough that we were able to capture her attention for at least a few seconds at a time!

Summer came early this year!

Unfortunately, Summer started crying the moment I picked her up. Tatiana was kind enough to teach me her "swinging" trick, so I was able to get her to calm down at least for a bit. And Brian even got her to fall asleep in his arms! We'll be old pros at this in no time flat...

Open Question: What Opportunities and Values Do You Want for Your Kids?

We're working on filling out a bunch of paperwork for our adoption application, and one of the forms will be used to give birth mothers more information about our family. It includes this question:

What opportunities, experiences and values do you plan to offer your child(ren)?

Now there's a difficult question to answer in just a couple sentences! But I thought I'd turn around and pose the question to all of you: how would you succinctly sum up the opportunities, experiences, and values that you want for your children?

We're looking forward to reading responses from all of you, including anyone who has kids, wants kids, or just has something to say :)


Update 2/29:
Some responses we got via Facebook:

Aaron: Lots of walks; the occasional wheat-free, corn-free treat; the occasional highly treasured, stolen sock (as long as it's not actually eaten); sun-soaked spots on the couch and floor in which to rest; visits by beloved friends and family

John: I would want my child to know empathy, to be able to see the world from another's perspective. In order to live on a crowded planet, it helps to not be inflexible, to not always have to be right. The best way I know how to learn empathy? Global travel and reading. Lots of reading.

Tyler: Family structure, support, and above all unconditional love; appreciation of good food shared with good friends; travel and exposure to other cultures; sense of humor; music; and a solid moral foundation (kindness, manners, and the like). I'm probably forgetting something. Keegan says it's cheating to get others to answer your app questions ;).

Michael: If we were to have children I would want them to grow up with a close connection to family, to value what they have more than what they want, and to instill in them a sense of wonder about the world.

Jazzy and Jeremiah

Even though we're still pretty early on in this process, it's never too soon to start expanding our network of friends who are building their families through adoption! We met Tyler and Keegan a couple years ago through a mutual friend, although we didn't know at the time that they were even thinking about adoption. Lo and behold, this past autumn they ended up with two beautiful children from the foster system in their home! This past Saturday we had a chance to stop by, chat with them, play with the kids, and generally be inspired by this adoption success story.

Jasmine (Jazzy) and Jeremiah

What cute little kids! I had lots of fun building blocks with them, tickling Jazzy's feet, and apparently usurping their dads' authority by letting Jazzy sit in Jeremiah's chair. (I swear I didn't know she wasn't allowed there!) I even got to read Jazzy's bedtime story by her own special request, although her attention span made it hard to find out what actually happened to Goldilocks by the end of the story :)

Tyler and Keegan also introduced us to another couple they know, Steve and Aaron. Steve and Aaron are actually working with the same adoption agency as us, and they're just a few months ahead of us in their journey. It's really useful to be able to talk to some people who've gone through all the steps that we're now taking and can offer their experiences as guidance. And even though we have a ways to go, I'm glad that we're starting now to make connections with other gay families. I have no doubt we'll meet many straight adoptive families as well, but I want to make sure that our children have examples of other gay families so they don't feel too "different".

Anyway, we had a fantastic time! Tyler and Keegan, thanks for inviting us over - your kids are adorable, and it was great to spend time with all of you!

Marriage and Family

With current events this past week, I wanted to use this weekend's post to delve into their importance for us.  On Monday, our governor signed into law a bill to legalize same-sex marriage in Washington.  Shortly afterwards, New Jersey's legislature voted to approve same-sex marriage as well.  Friday, Maryland took a leap forward with an unexpected vote in support of marriage too.  While all of this is momentous, I'm going to try to sidestep the political element of these events because this is actually an adoption blog.  (Crazy!)

Naturally, we are on the path to adoption because we, as two men, can not have kids on our own.  However, I really believe that it is important for our family to represent what all families strive to be, a loving, stable, and happy family.  When people love each other in our society, they get married.  We think it's important to be married because it shows our commitment to each other and our children.  Marriage is a lifelong commitment - just like adoption.

In July of 2010, Andy and I got married.  While we use the term "married," we have technically been in a domestic partnership.  As we tend to forge our own path a lot of times, using the term marriage felt right.  We also knew that there would be a time in the future when marriage equality would become a reality for us.  With some luck, our first child will be able to be welcomed into a household with married parents which is truly exciting!

Our wedding photos are by Amelia Soper Photography. Can't recommend her highly enough!